When Infertility Feels Like Betrayal

Infertility brings grief -  most people expect that.

What many don’t expect is the sense of betrayal that can sit quietly underneath it all. And, because we’re talking infertility, of course, this sense of betrayal has many layers.

For many people, fertility struggles create a profound feeling that their body has failed them - or even turned against them. This can be expected when we are raised believing that reproduction is a ‘natural’ function of the human body. Something automatic. Something we’re biologically designed for. Something that’s meant to happen. Something that everyone can do when the time is right for them.

So when it doesn’t happen, there can be a deep loss of trust in the body itself. After all “isn’t this what a woman’s body is meant to do?”

This isn’t just disappointment. It’s a psychological rupture in the relationship we have with ourselves - and that in turn can rupture how we see ourselves as women, as partners, as family-makers.

People often don’t have language for this. Instead, it shows up as:

• Shame: “My body is defective” - which is why so many people keep their struggles to themselves

• Anger: “Why is this happening to me?” - anger towards their own body can transfer to anger towards their partner, mothers, sisters, friends, colleagues

• Alienation: “I don’t recognise myself anymore” - I’m not able to fulfil the destiny I saw for myself - “who am I?”

There is a quiet identity shift that can feel unsettling and lonely.

The Betrayal of the Life Story We Were Told

You know the unspoken narrative: “If I do the right things, good things will happen.”

When fertility doesn’t follow that script, the story fractures. Thoughts like these can take hold:

• “I don’t deserve this”

• “Why am I being punished?”

• “Everyone else seems to get this so easily - why can’t I?”

  
  

This can create what we call in psychology - existential grief. Grief for the imagined and planned for future; grief for lost timing, sequencing of our actions and certainty; and grief for the ease that others appear to have. Life as we know it can feel like a betrayal.

Relationships Can Feel The Strain Too

A sense of relational betrayal is more common than people expect.

Even in loving, committed partnerships, fertility struggles can quietly erode our connection and that can impact having a close, sexual connection - something that really helps when you're trying to conceive.

Relationship betrayal is more common than you may expect. Partners may, often unconsciously, blame each other for:

• The infertility itself

• Not feeling the same way

• Not carrying the same emotional load

• Not understanding the depth of the grief

It’s a minefield!

People can start to feel very alone together. This is where couples can turn away from each other and ignore the other person's pain and needs; turn against each other by rejecting the others' needs in an argumentative way or they can turn towards each other - acknowledging, supporting and sitting with the pain and suffering.

Sadly, I’ve worked with couples who have navigated infertility, welcomed their long-awaited baby - and then separated. Not because they didn’t love each other, but because their relationship had been stretched beyond its capacity by prolonged grief, trauma, relentless stress, and the demand for ongoing selflessness. And that longed-for baby wasn’t enough to hold them together.

People can feel betrayed by the one relationship they believed would be their refuge.

And then there is - Betrayal by the Systems Meant to Help

It is easy to feel a deep sense of betrayal by the systems designed to support fertility.

Dealing with - repeated treatment cycles without clear answers; changing protocols; uncertain outcomes despite “doing everything right”.

And medical language that reduces people to labels like “poor responder” or “geriatric ovaries” (don’t you just love that language!) and you’re reduced to statistics instead of stories.

Over time, the nervous system stays in a constant state of alert, and the grief has nowhere to land.

Wait - there is more - Social and Spiritual Betrayal

Infertility is often unrecognised by society, which can feel like another quiet betrayal.

Well-intended comments such as:

• “Just relax”

• “At least you have each other”

• “At least you can…”

• “What’s meant to be will be” .... can unintentionally minimise real loss.

For those who hold spiritual or religious beliefs, there can also be a crisis of faith.

A painful sense of betrayal by a higher power - questions that feel difficult, frightening, or even taboo to voice. “Why won’t God give me a baby?” “God is letting me down” or “I’ve prayed and prayed, but God isn’t listening to me”.  Infertility can often be the very first time when God and religion don’t have the answers. When God abandons you….where do you turn, especially when many religions don't support fertility treatment, and so the grief and pain is heightened. Faith is challenged. 

Why It Feels So Heavy

Is it any wonder that struggling with your fertility causes stress?

It’s the multiple layers of grief - happening all at once - that heighten the sense of betrayal.

Betrayal by the body. By expectations. By relationships. By systems. By society. And sometimes, by faith.

Naming this doesn’t make the pain disappear - but it can soften self-blame and help people understand that what they’re experiencing makes sense.

It’s no wonder it feels so heavy. Not because you are emotionally weak. It is a human response to profound, ongoing loss. And it deserves care, compassion, and support. This is why women struggling with their fertility need the right kind of support.

My Approach

I’m proud to bring my 30 years of experience as a psychologist, alongside specialised training in mindfulness and mind–body medicine, to support women and couples through fertility challenges for the past 10 years. I understand that fertility struggles aren’t just medical - they impact identity, relationships, hope, and daily wellbeing.

My approach is grounded in evidence-based psychology, trauma-informed care, and practical mindfulness strategies. I work with you to manage the emotional load of treatment (including IVF), regulate the nervous system, protect your wellbeing, AND help you stay connected to your life and your values - even when the path feels uncertain.

Sending love,