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Gratitude – something to be thankful for

By on July 7, 2014 in Mindful Musings

Yes life is difficult, challenging and demanding.  People at every turn seem to want that little bit more of us.  We can feel that we are being pulled in all directions and then our head steps in and pulls us in another one! So what is there to be grateful about?

It is easy to get caught up in the demands of daily living.  We know intuitively that we are grateful for lots of things.  If asked we can often rattle off a list of things we are grateful for – a place to sleep, food, warmth, people we love, perhaps a good job.

So what do you have to be grateful for and how often do you call it to mind?

According to research, (Park & Peterson 2006; Park, Peterson & Seligman 2004), gratitude is one of the strengths most robustly associated with life satisfaction, leading to higher levels of social integration (Froh, Bono & Emmons 2010).

However gratitude can look differently for different people.

It may be a sense of wonder or appreciation; it may be expressed through optimism or sharing; it may be thanking an individual, a group, a nation, a higher power.

Gratitude is savouring, a deep understanding that this needs to be noticed and not taken for granted.

Gratitude and its expression can become an antidote to envy, hostility, fear, irritation or worry.

How does gratitude fit into Mindfulness? To put it simply, in order to be grateful we need to be present moment focused.  We need to firstly notice how our life is today and express an appreciation to what has contributed to that.

Remember our minds are tuned to a negativity bias.  We needed this to keep ourselves alive, however, in today’s society this negativity can just bring us down.  It can keep us from experiencing the whole nature of our interactions throughout our day. It can keep us stuck on what’s going wrong and we can replay these things over and over in our minds.

Developing a focus on the positive and supportive things that happen to us in our day can tone down our negativity and help us enjoy life more.

In How to Train a Wild Elephant, Jan Chozen Bays suggests we “turn the unhappy mind toward discovering even one thing it can be grateful for.”

During the day you can notice and take mental notes of things to add to your gratitude list.  This develops a form of ongoing gratitude.

Gratitude is so much more than saying ‘thank you’ as it has multiple benefits.

People who show gratitude consistently are happier, more energetic, more hopeful and experience more positive emotions.  They are more helpful, empathic, more forgiving and less materialistic.  They are less likely to be depressed, anxious or lonely.

Letting people know that we appreciate what they have done also has untold impacts on their levels of wellbeing and also our own.

It is interesting how we feel better when we actually express our gratitude rather than just think it.  We need to actually let people know that we are grateful. We need to show them.  Most people I know, well actually all of the people I know, can’t read minds, so we need to let them know.

In her work on happiness and wellbeing, Sonja Lyubomirsky points to eight ways gratitude boosts happiness; grateful thinking leads to savouring positive experiences; showing appreciation boosts self-worth and self-esteem; gratitude helps us cope with stress and trauma; expressing gratitude leads to more prosocial behaviour; gratitude can build social bonds, strengthen existing relationships and nurture new ones; being grateful reduces negative comparisons with others that keep us unsettled and envious; because it is such a positive experience it is incompatible with negative emotions; and finally, being grateful reduces our adaptation to pleasant things so that we continually see when new events are positive and don’t become blase about events, relationships and life.

There are several paths to developing gratitude and finding your own pathway is vital.

If you enjoy writing you might like to start a Gratitude Journal where you can spend a regular time each day, week or month, reflect on your life and list perhaps between three to five things you are grateful for.  I always encourage people to look so much further than the immediate such as food and shelter, which of course we need to be grateful for.  But to look beyond, looking for what has helped you this day live your life to its fullest.  For example when we need to vote in Australia, I reflect on how grateful I am that I live in a country that encourages everyone to participate, including women, which doesn’t happen automatically in some countries in the world.  Immediately I am grateful to live in my country and lining up, waiting to vote doesn’t seem so onerous.

You might like to try a gratitude substitution – replacing an ungrateful thought (eg: my sister/brother/partner forgot my birthday) with a grateful thought (but they are always there to listen and support me).

You could find a gratitude partner and share gratitude lists with them.

If you are at work find ways to let others know how much you appreciate their contribution to the workplace, or your specific role or to the team

As a customer you may like to let someone who has served you well how much you appreciate their attitude and expertise.

Think more broadly, you may like to offer your home to help out with accommodation for someone; show people visiting your city around; offer a ride to someone to save them driving to the same venue as you.

Write a gratitude letter to someone who has been an influential person in your life.  Express what they have done that has impacted on you.  Describe in detail what they did and exactly how your life is the better for their part in it.  You don’t have to send it but imagine how it would feel to know you had made a positive impact on someone’s life.  If possible you may want to deliver the letter by hand.

A gratitude visit may be to take the time and visit a person you would like to thank and tell them in person, or call them via the phone or internet.

Whatever way you choose to show your gratitude, keep it fresh for yourself.  Choose a strategy that best suits you and you will enjoy, and will hold its meaning for you.

This habit has staying power, people who have practised gratitude lists of three good things each day for only a week have shown to still be reaping the positive emotions six months later.

Remember a new habit takes time to develop, so keep practising.  Train your mind to notice things and then it will become second nature to be grateful and therefore happier.

“Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind” Lionel Hampton.

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Be your own ‘best’ friend

By on June 30, 2014 in Mindful Musings

Would you be your own best friend? Do you want to be happy but think your way out of it?

Do you hear things in your head about you that you would want others to say about you?
If your friend said what you hear in your head would you still want them as a friend?

Quite often our thoughts are not our ‘best’ friend.  In fact quite often our thoughts keep us stuck in depression, anxiety, inaction, self-hate even self-pity.

We may think we need to be critical of ourselves, to keep ourselves motivated or else we may become lazy or self-indulgent.

Because we think something does this make it true? Does it make it right? Necessary? Accurate? – Probably not. Ever had a thought that was wrong? I have!

Our thinking is very useful.  Thinking helps us problem solve, understand complex concepts, determine if we like or don’t like something – all very useful skills.

However when we believe something, we can assume we are right, this can get in the way of our listening to others. It may even put our relationships at risk as we move to defend our position.

Can you let go of the need to be right? Could being kind be better than being right?

Being Mindful means we can become aware of the type of thinking we have attached to.  Mindfulness can allow us to ‘view’ our thoughts just like waves on the ocean, coming and going with the deep, peaceful, calmness hidden below.

Becoming an observer of the words in your head is the first step to becoming aware of the power of your words on yourself and on others.

Our interactions with others start in our thoughts.  If we express doubt in ourselves we will likely restrict our contributions to others.  We can become angry and uncaring because our focus is turned inward not outward.

If you reduce self-criticism and develop self-compassion this will transfer into your relationships with others.  If you love yourself you will express that love in your interactions with others.

When we are aware we can become involved to ensure that our words manifest our true intentions.  That we are saying what we truly believe and we are being the person we want to be.

Our Mindfulness Challenge for this week is to notice our words.  Our words in our heads – our thoughts – and our words to others.

Be conscious to say only what you mean with gentleness knowing that our words ‘land’ on others.

Avoid using words to speak against yourself or others.  Be loyal to those who are absent.

Use your words to be kind to yourself – be your ‘best’ friend.  No need to point out your faults, you already know them! Look for when you are being at your fabulous best and honour that by taking notice of it and savouring it.

These may be small, seemingly insignificant moments that we often let slip by. Notice when you are bringing peace and calm to others and you will in turn feel that way as well.

Speak and act from deep within the ocean (your values) not being tossed about by the swell and the crashing waves (your thoughts).

Practice self-kindness – don’t beat yourself up for not coping, or not getting something right, or for not being perfect. Develop the ability to cope by comforting yourself when you are hurting or in need of care.

Relate to your mistakes or shortcomings like a ‘best’ friend would, with tolerance, understanding and love, understanding that perfection is not only unattainable but boring and over-rated.

Resist comparing how you feel on the inside to how others present on the outside.  We know that everyone suffers in some way.

Be kind to yourself and watch out for times to be your own cheer squad – but you will need to be present to notice it otherwise you just might miss it.

 

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Changing seasons – Changing emotions

By on June 23, 2014 in Mindful Musings

Noticing seasonal changes connects us to this amazing planet that we inhabit.

Autumn and the beginning of Winter here in Melbourne has been unseasonally mild, even warm.  Plants have re-budded thinking it is Spring.

But it is now turning cold and wet, more consistent with this time of the year, and yet we start to complain – “it’s gotten so cold” or “I don’t like winter”.  It is easy to curl up when it’s cold and become a hermit, confine ourselves to the indoors for the duration of the Winter.

Our moods are often connected to or influenced by the weather or seasons.

Ever wish it were sunny and warm every day?  Ever think you feel better when the sun shines? That’s probably because you do. Researchers are now investigating links between Vitamin D and depression, however these links are still unknown.

The sun does indeed help our health and mental health in many ways.  We use Vitamin D to strengthen our bones, to increase our uptake of other vitamins and minerals.

When it is sunny we feel we can venture outside more to exercise, play and socialise all good for our mental health.  But how would it be if we had the same weather day in day out?  How would nature survive without dormant periods, without rain? Would we really feel better?

The changing seasons demand for us to adapt our lifestyle and develop our flexibility, and increase our creativity if we want to exercise, play and socialise.

It seems appealing to want to experience ‘good’ weather on a more permanent basis just as we are seduced by the possibility of experiencing ‘positive’ emotions such as happiness on a more permanent basis.

But imagine for one moment if you were offered the ability to experience one emotion only for the next week.  You would experience it to its fullest. Which one would you pick?

Happiness? Joy? Gratitude?

What would determine the emotion you would pick? What would happen?  What would the impact be on your relationships if you could only express that one emotion?

How would others respond to you?  What would be good or not so good about it?

In Mindfulness we don’t view emotions as necessarily good or bad, positive or negative, they are all just emotions, useful in their own way.

The Mindfulness Challenge this week is to notice when you are clinging to certain emotions.  Notice your inner self talk about emotions and change.  Notice what you like or want it to be like, and move toward becoming more accepting of change.

Be observing of how you respond to emotions you experience.

Try to bring some curiosity to your emotions – ‘isn’t it interesting that this is how I feel about this experience’ rather than clinging to one emotion.

Just like the weather, your emotions will change.  Becoming more observing of our emotions allows us to step out of them, noticing that “I feel sad” or “I feel angry” rather than “I am sad” or “I am angry”.

Accepting that you will experience different emotions means that you will become more flexible and creative when difficult emotions arise.

Stepping back, noticing, accepting, gives us a greater ability to see ourselves as so much more than the emotion we are experiencing.

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Beginner’s Mind

By on June 15, 2014 in Mindful Musings

Ever felt that today is just another day?

Been here before, done that?

Or perhaps feel like nothing is exciting, challenging or worthwhile?

Many times our lives can appear mundane – we get up, go to work; come home, go to bed. Or we look after children all day; day in, day out; go to school – nothing seems to change; or many other configurations of everyday life and nothing is different.

As a result we can start to feel like we are experts in our lives because after all what is there not to be an expert in, everything seems to be the same.  We live it, we know it.

This is the development of what is often known as the ‘experts mind’.

When we feel this way we can try to distract ourselves by engaging in endless activities, looking for sensory experiences to help us feel alive, or by pursuing wealth, power and fame (and FB friends).

Eventually reality confronts us, and we can then become quite disheartened, depressed even anxious. Other mental health issues can settle in.

So why not look at reality in the first place and resolve to have a new perspective? Mindfulness helps us create our own happiness by exploring the present moment as if it hasn’t happened before – because it hasn’t.

When we come to the realization that the past no longer exists and the future hasn’t arrived yet, we can grow our understanding that the present is, at the same time, something we cannot hold on to for it is always changing, unfolding, revealing. The famous Matthieu Ricard writes “cultivating mindfulness does not mean that you should not take into account the lessons of the past or make plans for the future; rather it is a matter of living clearly in the present experience that includes them” (p67 The Art of Meditation).

We usually approach a situation with our ‘expert’s mind’. “I’ve been through this before, I know what is going to happen” or “I’m not going to let others determine things for me, I know what needs to happen because I have all the answers, I need to control this situation”. The expert’s mind closes us off to opportunities, opportunities for things to be different.

The Beginner’s Mind however is open.  Open to new experiences at every moment
If we bring a ‘beginner’s mind’ to each situation, we open ourselves to options for how things may be.  A beginner’s mind says “I have never been at this point in my life before, be open to what is here and now, be open to what I can be and what others can teach me”.

It is like a child learning to walk.  The child falls down and gets back up, not one time but many times.  Even though the child is an ‘expert’ at sitting or crawling, it pushes itself to see what can be possible, to get up and walk.

A Beginner’s Mind resolves to not judge. To put away the word ‘should’.  I have a saying that I don’t ‘should’ on myself or ‘should’ on others!

A Beginner’s Mind says I have wisdom and know my values but I let go of expectations of common sense.

A Beginner’s Mind says I have never been at this juncture in my life with such awareness and ability, what can unfold, what can I do, what can I understand of this?

How exciting would it be to walk down your street for the first time again? To walk into a meeting and listen with fresh ears? To watch your children eat, play and learn? To truly be with a long term friend or partner and hear them for who they are today, here and now?

This is the challenge and blessing of the Beginner’s Mind – see what happens.

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Waiting

By on May 26, 2014 in Mindful Musings

Life seems to be rushing past us and yet when we are asked or expected to slow down or even stop to wait for someone or something, we get impatient to keep moving on.  But what are we moving on to?

It seems that this concept we call time has become our master and we think about how we use it, how we waste it, how we want more of it, how it would change things or even how other people seem to have more of it than we do.

Ever caught yourself thinking or even saying things like “I haven’t got time to wait for this”? The underscript here is “I’m too important, don’t you know that?” I’ve got better things to do than to wait for you!

Or perhaps you have been waiting for your computer to load or to receive a message.  Maybe in a queue or traffic thinking “what could be taking so long?” or even “you idiot, get moving” or “hurry up …….” with some colourful language thrown in.

If you think about it, we can push and rush ourselves through each part of our day, just to move onto the next part, hurrying through everyday ‘mundane’ things like eating, or washing dishes, or driving home, just so that we can move onto the next part of our lives.

We can even want to move other people through what they are saying more quickly by finishing their sentences for them, or not letting them finish what they were saying as you think you know what they are going to say and it is much more important that we move on.

What are we in such a hurry to move on to? The next thing, the end of this meeting, the end of this trip, the end of this chore, the end of this day – this week – this year -this life?

When we move into impatience by listening to the ‘hurry up’ story in our heads we activate other physiological reactions as well.  Our foot or finger might start tapping, increased heart rate, muscle tension and our stress response.  You may even notice your own body language sitting forward in the car as if this is going to get you through the traffic more quickly!

You may have been experiencing this impatience for a long time and feel that it is ingrained in who you are, however, we can look to see when we developed impatience which can help with making changes.  Perhaps you were hurried along as a child and this modelling has stayed with you. Perhaps you developed impatience while you were at school and things seemed so much better when you weren’t in class and you wanted to get out and play.

People who live in impatience, who don’t like to wait, can cause their own unhappinesss.

This week’s Mindfulness challenge is to sit with waiting and there are a few mindful ways to do this.

The first part is awareness. Notice when you are impatient, notice your self talk around waiting and ask yourself “why am I in a rush? What am I in a hurrry to do?” see what comes up.

Then touch base with the present. Notice your breath, moving in and out. Remember no judgment just noticing.

A great mindfulness practice is to notice 5 things – notice 5 things currently touching you, this may be clothing, jewellery, your hair, the seat you are in, something you are holding like a cup or book.  Then notice 5 things you can hear.  Instead of listing a plane for example, listen for sounds within sounds and the changing of those sounds.  Then notice 5 things you can see.  This exercise gets you here and now.

Try the Purple M&Ms activity my meditation teacher taught our class – pick a colour and notice all the things you can see that are that colour; pick a shape, for example round, and notice all the things in your environment that are round; pick a letter, perhaps the first letter of your name or M (for M&Ms) and notice everything you can see that starts with that letter, or notice where you can see that letter written.  And because M&Ms are yummy, notice something in the environment that is pleasurable for you.

Another way to get present of course is to ‘drop anchor’ through your feet.  Bring your attention to your feet connected to the floor/earth. Feel your weight in your feet or if you are sitting notice your weight sitting in the seat.  Then mentally body scan your way up your spine, bit by bit, noticing tension and letting it go by moving on to the next body part. Come back to the breath moving in and out.

Most people find that they can sit with waiting and impatience if they get present rather than get into their heads.  Give it a go, after all, waiting is part of being in this world with other people.  People we love, we care about, we work with, we need to deliver things to us, people who are also wanting to move on to the next moment rather than be in this one.  Model waiting mindfully and see what happens.
 

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