Tag Archives | compassion

Vipassana, More Than Meditation

By Therese Sheedy on June 27, 2017 in Mindfulness

This is my vipassana story, or as I remember it, boot camp for the mind, body and soul.

For many years I considered the idea of attending a vipassana retreat. For those of you who don’t know – a vipassana is a silent retreat. It can be different lengths, I chose a 10 day, rather than 30days! Many people repeat this experience and they are held all around the world.

You sit in meditation for most of the day, 11 hours in fact! Focus is on the breath for the initial 3 days, then on the sensations in the body for the rest of the ten days.

Before I left on this adventure, many people commented on how difficult they thought it would be to be silent for a whole 10 days. I thought that would be a challenge, but one I was up for.

Along with my regular meditation practice, I often have periods of silence in my life. I drive without the radio on; I work around the house without television, radio or music, or chatting to anyone. I actually enjoy those periods, so coping with silence wasn’t a concern I had, even though leaving all technology and reading materials behind did raise some interest in me.

Little did I know, that vipassana is code for boot camp for the mind, body and soul. Silence is the easy part.

Silence is a major part of the process. The teaching says it’s about not getting distracted by conversations. You know how you might go over and over in your mind what was said, while you are supposed to be focused on your meditation.

We know that conversations often get repeated in our minds – “why did I say that?” “What did they mean when they said ……..?” “I think they are ………..” “I wish I had said …………” because that is what minds do.

However the silence in vipassana has a bigger impact. Silence means that without external input, your mind is left to ‘chat’ with itself, and chat it does! Mind wandering into forgotten memories or preparing for the challenges of the unknown future.

In my daily meditation practice I have noticed my mind wandering is usually future-focused. Ideas of what I can do with teaching mindfulness in my classes pass in and out of my meditating mind quite often. This didn’t happen in vipassana. My mind somehow wanted to go back. Go back and resolve past issues, ones I thought I had long laid to rest, but quickly realised I probably hadn’t.

The teaching of the vipassana focuses on impermanence, everything changes. Nothing in our bodies are solid – breath, blood, muscles, organs, even bones are constantly changing, and so too are our thoughts. Focus on the body teaches the mind about impermanence – everything is changing.

Hanging on to a thought as if it is forever is quickly dismissed – impermanence – everything changes – and I have changed since that past incident. Time to move on and let it go.

The biggest challenge, at least for me, wasn’t coping with the silence, it was the pressure on the body. At the end of our 10 days noble silence others had said they found getting up at 4am ready to sit at 4.30am each day a huge challenge. So much so they even had a nap during the lunchtime rest break. I managed the early rises easily, for me it was the body.

Due to a recent foot injury, I had been unable to maintain my yoga practice and so my body was stiffer than usual. I think though, not as stiff and inflexible as many of my contemporaries. However sitting in meditation for about 11 hours a day for 10 days is excruciatingly painful, and yet pain in the knees, back, buttocks, and in my case, foot, would come and go – impermanence!

I would sit and pain would arise. I would notice it, want to move to relieve it , as we all do, but stick to the process of vipassana, and at the end of the sitting the pain would have dissolved somewhere along the way – impermanence!

This is a curiosity. The power of honing attention, of noticing without getting hooked into having to change anything, to sit with self-compassion and strong determination, enabled me to somehow cope with both body pain and emotional pain – impermanence.

In the end, my practice is undoubtedly stronger and my mind more flexible, generous and compassionate.

As a psychologist I did have trouble with parts of the teaching of the theory and philosophy of vipassana. I was challenged by some of the beliefs and talking with the assistant teacher unfortunately didn’t allay my professional concerns.

I would strongly advise anyone to consider why they are attracted to or going on their first vipassana. I would also urge anyone who has symptoms of anxiety, depression or post-traumatic stress disorder to speak to a professional before starting your vipassana journey.

Given that the teaching is all done on pre-recorded CDs and DVDs, because the master Goenka passed away in 2013, for me it was impossible to really gain a good insight into the fundamental ethos or hope any feedback may change the language used or approach.

I know that attending the vipassana has positively changed the lives of many people. I know that my life has also been changed in positive ways through this experience as well. However I would be alarmed if someone who is quite psychologically fragile saw this retreat as a means of getting to the bottom of their difficulties, considering there was no professional help available.

For me, I will continue to learn more about Buddhist psychology and hopefully I can reconcile my concerns in time. For now I will continue my practice, maybe not the recommended 1hr morning and night, but nevertheless I will continue to develop my understanding of meditation, after all no matter how long you have been practicing, we are all beginners.

The concept of impermanence has always been central to my belief system and my psychological practice; I now have a more physical and emotional experience of it.

Here is a link from mindful.org on what you may need to consider before you attend any meditation retreat.

Namaste

Je Suis Paris

By Therese Sheedy on November 16, 2015 in Mindfulness

There is not much one can say in the wake of the terrifying events in Paris. Having been to Paris, not that that is necessary in order to be affected by these events, my heart goes out to that beautiful city and to the people across France.

No matter how much I try to understand, I can’t. I can’t make sense of this as a psychologist, as a parent, as a citizen, as a human being. Human beings are designed to protect each other, to live as community, to preserve life – especially our own – that is why the fight/flight response is built in and activates naturally.

Human beings do however operate according to our underlying beliefs and these can override the fight/flight response. We will sacrifice ourselves if our values and beliefs are strong enough and threatened, such as protecting our offspring or those we love.

The power of these radical groups in continuing to recruit young people, who need ‘a cause’, or the need to belong, or have a need for someone to believe in them, is so strong that we can feel disempowered to do anything. Disempowerment breeds fear. We feel helpless and so our fear increases.

While it is difficult for us to impact in a global sense, one way we can fight back on a local, daily basis is to connect with those in our communities who are withdrawn, isolated, lost.

Never before has our need for connectedness been so obvious. A simple smile at people in your street and as you go about your day, can make others feel connected. Make eye contact with others. Eye contact says ‘you are accepted in my world’. Be kind to others, as you never know what their needs might be.

These simple actions might not feel like they are impacting worldwide, however simple acts can create a ripple effect. They can help us feel connected and safe. The way we can face terrorism in our small yet powerful way is not to feel terrorised but open and trusting with each other.

What is mothering?

By Therese Sheedy on May 9, 2015 in Mindfulness

With Mother’s Day here I am drawn to the concept of what is mothering?

My own mother passed away 13 years ago and she is still present in my life. While I miss her greatly, I savour and give thanks that she was my mother.

As I have grown I have a different relationship with my mother than I used to. When she was alive she was busy doing. Her family meant a lot to her – not everything – she had other parts of her life where she also shared her gifts of friendship, laughter, love and support. Mum dedicated herself to others – my father, our family, her local cricket club.

I often hear my mother’s voice in my head as I walk along our beach, where she would challenge me to consider what a wonderful gift nature was. How lucky we were to have such beauty around us, and how we needed to be gentle and kind to the universe. This part of mum I channel daily in my work, my gratitude and my awareness. This is in tune with my practice of mindful living.

However mindfulness has also taught me to be aware of my thinking and sometimes I find my mother’s judgments on the world seeping into my consciousness and becoming my judgments. It is in these times that I acknowledge my choice, to be just like my mother, in all ways, or to choose how I react to the world and more specifically to people and their actions in the world.

It is easy to be kind and generous of spirit to those we are ‘like’ or those we agree with. The challenge is to remain openhearted to everyone’s pain not just our own.

While my mother was a wonderful human being and a loving, caring mother, I know she wasn’t the perfect person. No one is. As a mother and now grandmother, I see the role of mothering to be broader than my immediate family and Mother Nature. I attempt to bring kindness and gentleness to my interactions with others whether I know them, like them or not.

I believe that the unconditional love of a mother is what the world needs more of. The world aches for guidance and wisdom of a mother who will teach values and keep you in line with understanding and strength.

I give thanks for my mother, not just on this special day, but everyday. I also give thanks for the opportunities to take a mothering kindness to my own family, my friends, my colleagues, my clients and my world.

I hope you can honour all the mothers in your life and the many ways you can mother in your part of the world.

Be kind to your body, stay present

By Therese Sheedy on March 25, 2015 in Mindfulness

It is difficult to understand, but the present moment is the only moment you actually have. This is difficult to understand because our minds rarely live in the present moment, and so they are unfamiliar with it and don’t readily trust it.

The past is gone, done, dusted. No amount of reliving it in your head will actually change those events, make someone or yourself nicer, or take away the pain those events brought. I think a lot of times we revisit the past to remind ourselves of the wrongs someone has done to us, as a means of comfort or justification, reminding ourselves we were wronged.

We think by going over and over, ruminating on past events, we will understand them more clearly and perhaps pick up some ideas or clues on how to prevent or avoid them happening to us again.

Unfortunately what happens is this.

When we experience pain, trauma, suffering, or experiences we don’t like or want, our body reacts. It usually goes into what is called the fight/flight response. Trying to shield itself from the trauma or danger that exists in front of us.

When this happens little parts of us shut down to protect our systems from harm. Other parts fire up to help us gain the strength to fight or tackle the trauma head on or, flee – escape the situation to keep us safe.

Each time our mind revisits a past danger or trauma, such as getting bad news, being attacked by someone (both physically or verbally), being in an accident, someone being injured or dying etc. our body also revisits the past. It re-experiences the fight/flight response we had back then, even though there is no threat in the present moment. This is how powerful the mind-body connection is.

The same is true if we continually think about what might happen in the future – “What if this doesn’t work? What if I can’t do it? What if they don’t do what they are supposed to? How will we cope?”

When we live in this future that we can’t control, again our bodies experience the trauma of the event we are imagining as if it were actually happening now. Again parts of our system close down to protect us, and other parts move into full swing – again the fight/flight response is in action even though you may be sitting at your desk at work, on the train, in the kitchen, or watching TV. There is no trauma our bodies are reacting to in the present, it is reacting to the possibility of trauma in the future, but it can’t tell the difference.

Our bodies need to respond naturally to events, rather than be pushed into a constant state of trauma and anger management. This is where mindfulness and living mindfully can help.

By focusing just here, just now, we give our internal systems some space and rest. We are able to experience calmness and regain a feeling of control in our lives. We are more able to respond to just this situation, and not have it blown out because we were stressed by events of the past or possible events in the future that we have been thinking about.

When our minds are out of the present they can often feel out of control. We feel out of control and every little experience such as a traffic jam, or rain on the washing, or dropping a cup, can feel like a major crisis and we in turn feel like we’re not coping.

So how do we live more mindfully?

We need to start bringing a little mindfulness into each day. Here are a couple of simple but not so easy to do exercises to practice – and keep practicing!

Each time you move through a doorway, consciously notice and remind yourself you are now in a new space. That may be a doorway between rooms, the door going outside, the car door, even the toilet door! Each doorway takes you into a new space, see if you can take your mind and focus into that space as well.

Three Breaths Stop: any time you stop, for whatever reason, focus on the next three breaths. When you stop to wait for your morning takeaway, stopped in traffic, stopped in the queue at the supermarket, stopped waiting for children to finish sport/music/school. Each time you stop notice three breaths. You don’t need to breathe deeply or in any particular way, just breathe and notice it. Breathing in and out will do, it does a good job for you the rest of the time when you’re not noticing!

Experiences or information?

By Therese Sheedy on September 21, 2014 in Mindful Musings

Einstein once said “Whatever happens is experience, if it doesn’t actually happen then it is just information”.

Is your life filled with experiences or information? What do you pay the most attention to – what is happening in front of you or your thoughts trying to explain what just happened or what might happen in the future?

Are you busy looking for your part in what just happened? How are you to blame somehow, or perhaps why did that happen to you?

Mindfulness asks us to be more aware, present, here and now. Something that you can already do, but due to being absorbed in your thoughts you are probably out of touch with.

By paying attention to this moment we can notice when we are fragmenting the world into inner and outer, what we like or want and what we don’t. All of this prevents us from experiencing the clarity and unity of true awareness. The information gets in the way of the experience and so we may interpret the experience differently to what it actually is.

When we are going along on autopilot just living our lives we are at the mercy of others and events as they happen. When things are good, we often tell ourselves we are happy, we can cope, but when life takes a turn for the worse we tell ourselves we are unworthy, or we are to blame, or a story that there is no hope for us. Mindfulness says that is just thinking – or in Einstein’s language – it is just information.

Sure we can find a basis for it. Evidence is everywhere once we start to look, but is that really evidence or just more thinking? Plus who is doing all this thinking anyway? We become our own worst enemy.

Don’t allow Mindfulness to be one more strategy you need to implement when the going gets tough. Then it just becomes a slogan that will ‘fail’ you because you haven’t developed it as a way of life.

Mindfulness is about being wise to this thinking, about being self-compassionate and understanding of ours and others’ suffering.

To be present we need to be more active in our lives and not just let it happen to us.

Challenge yourself to do more: living; exploring; seeing; cherishing; being; experiencing; savouring; sharing; honouring; touching; feeling; hearing; tasting.

Look for the magical; the wonderful; the special; the different; the beauty.

Start at the beginning of each day – notice the sunrise. Instead of rushing into the busyness of the day, welcome the new day, the new beginnings with opportunities. Rise early enough to greet the sun as it creates a new day for you.

Instead of pushing yourself to fit more in or end your working day, notice the end of the day – the sunset. Notice the changes as the day becomes night. A time when you can let go and rest, not collapse into bed or in front of the television. Choose to experience restfulness fully present.

Allow yourself to experience more and think less and notice the freedom it brings.

The Test of 3’s

By Therese Sheedy on August 31, 2014 in Mindful Musings

How long do you hang on to hurt and harm?

A minute or two? A day or two? A year, or perhaps forever and ever?

Sometimes we don’t like to just move on. We believe that hanging on to the hurt – “they weren’t listening to me”, or the harm “why did they do that to me?”, keeps our position justified. Our hurt justified. But we don’t need to keep holding and reflecting on hurt or harm to have it justified.

If you feel it, then that’s it – it’s there, justified or not, you still feel it. Continue Reading →

Breathe in and know you are breathing

By Therese Sheedy on August 10, 2014 in Mindful Musings

One of the basic, most natural things our amazing bodies do is breathe We breathe in, we breathe out, however we pay very little attention to it.

The very first thing we do as we enter this world is breathe in, this is the beginning of an in/out cycle. A cycle that continues until our final breath out.

In The Mindful Child by Susan Kaiser Greenland, she suggests that a child’s breath is like a swinging door between their inner and outer worlds. I think this is the same for us as adults.

Our breath can be calm and measured if our surroundings are also calm. If things get a bit challenging it is our heart and our breath that will sense this before our minds compute what is happening.

If we are rushing our breath supports our body to hurry, if we are ill our breath may be laboured, if we are sleeping hopefully our breath will be slow and peaceful.

I remember as a twelve-year-old child standing in the doorway of a room where my grandmother lay in bed dying. My grandmother made it very difficult to form a close relationship with her, however my mother had been called interstate to help her siblings as their mother completed her final days and I had gone along with her.

I remember standing in that doorway, physical distance between us, but breathing every breath she breathed. Breath in, breath out. I felt that it was my breath keeping her alive. Breath in, breath out. For that time there was no thought, no fear, just breath. Breath in……………breath out……………….breath in………………………breath out. It was probably the closest I actually felt toward her in my young twelve years. It was a time I have never forgotten.

I now know that everyone breathes and everyone dies. I now know that the person I speak to today, it may be the last time I see them. I now know that I need to hold this sacred space between myself and the other person as I don’t know what will happen. I also know that knowing this changes the way I speak with people.

Jan Chozen Bays writes: Becoming aware of death opens our awareness to this single, vivid moment of life.

People can find these understandings quite depressing and try to believe that we are all going to live forever. But we aren’t. Imagine if you listened to someone like you knew it was your last conversation, how would this change your level of attention? How would it change your connection with that person, your level of impatience or anger perhaps?

An awareness of impermanence encourages us to bring our best to each and every moment. To give each moment quiet attentiveness, to become aware of its awe, its beauty purely because we are here to experience it.

Kaiser Greenland encourages us to slow down and tune into other people’s breathing to gain insights into their worlds that we might otherwise miss. In doing so we can also gain insights into our own inner world.

Breathing is at the heart of mindfulness and meditation. In fact Jon Kabat-Zinn says that the Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction program has greater success with the living than the dead! This leads him to believe that no matter what is wrong with you, if you are breathing there is more right with you than wrong with you.

Breathing is often the anchor which is used to train attention. We can choose to focus on the breath at any moment as it anchors us in the present, after all, the breath can only be here in this present moment and so by noticing it, we too, are being present.

For this week, notice your breath. Know when you are breathing in and know when you are breathing out.

Tune in to others’ breathing, especially if you are around children or the elderly. Be with them in their breath cycle for just a few moments and watch your connection with them change.

Try sighing. We often sigh without knowing this is usually because we are breathing from our chest not breathing deeply enough into our diaphragm and belly, and our bodies need that extra breath. For this week, consciously sigh, even out loud.

Sighing can break tension in the body. Take a big breath in, open the chest muscles, then let it all go out. Let go of control. Let the body drop with the breath. Then notice the pause at the end before the next breath comes in. Do two or three deep sighs in a row.

You could try to use the exhalation of the breath to let go of tension. With your eyes closed notice the out breath and focus on the body. Start at the top of the head, on the out breath notice the tension you may be holding around your temples. On the next out breath notice the tension you may be holding in the jaw. Each new breath notice on the out breath another part of the body. The temples, jaw, neck, shoulders, chest, back, arms, belly, buttocks, legs, feet. It doesn’t matter if you were or weren’t holding tension in any of these areas, just by noticing them, by tuning into them on the out breath your body will naturally relax.

You might also like to try a mantra on the out breath such as “relax” or “release”. Mantras are words or short phrases in our minds repeated on the out breath. Again the breath and the mind working together in the present creates a sense of calm and stillness.

Of course you may just like to follow the breath as it moves through the in/out cycle. Follow it without judgment on how it ‘should’ be, follow it without expectation of what you will feel later or at the time. Follow it as it brings new oxygen into your system, feeding your organs, your muscles, your brain. Follow it as it leaves your system and connects you to plants and the rest of the world.

Breathe gently and awaken to this amazing gift.

Be kind to yourself – there is only one you!

By Therese Sheedy on August 3, 2014 in Mindful Musings

What type of things do you typically judge and criticize yourself for – appearance, career, relationships, parenting – anything else ……………?

What language do you use with yourself when you notice a mistake or a flaw? Do you insult yourself, call yourself names? “How stupid I am” or “I never get things right” or “here I go again, typical.”

When you approach or run into challenges how do you respond? Do you get carried away by the drama or difficulty , making things bigger than they need to be?

Do you think everyone else is having a much better time that you are? Do you forget that everyone experiences difficulties, pain and suffering?

How does this make you feel? What are the consequences of being so hard on yourself?

Do you feel more motivated to change? Unlikely. Does it make you discouraged or depressed? Likely.

It seems that as human beings we are very good at this negative internal dialogue, however some of us do it much more than others.

Culturally we are not taught or expected to have self-compassion. We are taught to look for flaws in others, look for their shortcomings to feel better about ourselves. To reinforce our beliefs and to feel we are coping.

Compassion to others and ourselves is a major element of mindfulness. Being able to see the moment as it is, with awareness, openness and acceptance, encourages us to let go of judgments that keep us locked into viewing others and ourselves with dislike and intolerance.

Dr. Kristin Neff, the world leading researcher on self-compassion, writes that “self-compassion is an open-hearted way of relating to negative aspects of oneself and one’s experience that enables greater emotional resilience and psychological well-being” (The Encyclopedia of Positive Psychology Vol 2, p 864).

Neff has identified three essential components of self-compassion: Mindfulness – noticing instead of getting emotionally entangled; Self-kindness – treating yourself with care and understanding rather than beating yourself up with harsh criticisms; and Common humanity – realising that suffering is part of the human experience and that you are not alone and others suffer similarly.

Some people are naturally self-compassionate just as they are naturally compassionate to others. But compassion and self-compassion can be taught.

People participating in research studies have shown that by practising self-compassion they had higher levels of wellbeing and became more resilient. They were measurably happier, more capable, more curious and wiser in decision-making. They felt higher levels of social connectedness and felt greater satisfaction with life in general.

Partners rated those who practiced self-compassion as being more emotionally connected, accepting and less detached, controlling or aggressive.

Self-compassion has also been shown to decrease levels of depression and anxiety, reduce rumination, self-criticism as well as reduce a fear of failure.

It used to be thought that to make people feel better we needed to bolster their self-esteem. However, it is now known that self-esteem is often related to comparing oneself to others. We need to feel ‘better’ than others to feel good about ourself.

Self-esteem is contingent on success and it tends to falter in failure situations, making it difficult to access when we are faced with difficulties, challenges and failure. Whereas self-compassion is always accessible, and contrary to a commonly held belief, doesn’t lead to self-indulgence or self-pity.

In The Self-Compassion Diet, Jean Fain explores weight loss with a self compassionate focus. A Harvard Medical School Affiliated psychotherapist, Fain believes that more self-compassion, not self-discipline, is the answer to dieter’s prayers. She promotes mindfulness and self-compassion as a way to end the dieting merry-go-round and feel the power of self for successful weight-management.

Self-compassion is a powerful motivating force for growth and change. With self-compassion we can develop mastery of our goals, and reduce our fear of failure.

You may like to try an exercise in Self-compassion: Grab three pieces of paper. On the first piece write down the view of you from your closest. most compassionate friend. Keep writing. Write all the things they love about you, what they see, given all your flaws. The strengths they see in you. What they like about you. What you give back to them in your friendship.

On the second piece of paper write down all the things you criticise yourself about. What you hear yourself saying about you. Write down as much as you can, what it is, what you hear.

On the third piece of paper write down how you feel about that criticism you hear from yourself. What it is like to hear that about yourself.

Now, go back to your first piece of paper and imagine what that person would say if they heard those criticisms of you and saw how hurt you are. Write down what they would say. How they would explain those criticisms, how they would comfort you. What insights would they offer?

Neff suggests that when we experience warm and tender feelings toward ourselves we are altering our bodies as well as our minds. “Self-kindness allows us to feel safe as we respond to painful experiences, so that we are no longer operating from a place of fear – and once we let go of insecurity we can pursue our dreams with the confidence needed to actually achieve them” (p. 52, Self-Compassion: Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind).

The Mindfulness Challenge this week is to practice self-compassion.

Notice your self-talk. Don’t take your thoughts personally, they are only thoughts, they will come and they will go.

Notice when you are getting hooked into self-criticism, even arguing with yourself – you will never win! Just notice it and move on with whatever you are doing at the time – whether that is ironing, driving the car, waiting for a meeting or even going to the bathroom.

Notice judgment. Are you judging others to feel better about yourself and confirm your beliefs about the world? Is this necessary – no!

Notice if you are being critical about not being Mindful. If you do that you will be being critical about yourself a lot!

Who you actually are is so much more than the narrative in your head. Be open to yourself, to this moment, and see the boundless strengths you and others have to offer.

Let go of comparison, let go of the fear of not being good enough, let go of perfectionism and accept the gifts of imperfection. Celebrate the challenge of being human and celebrate your own unique qualities – there is only one of you, don’t be afraid to share it around compassionately.

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