Tag Archives | communication

Is technology helping or hindering the human condition?

By Therese Sheedy on August 1, 2016 in Mindfulness

Technology is all around us.

As my family will attest, I am not a huge fan of digital technology. Yes, I have adopted or adapted to some forms of technology.

I have a smartphone, although I think I use a quarter of its capabilities. I have an tablet, which is old, so probably outdated. I have my trusty laptop, which of course I use to write, email and search. I am on Facebook, as I felt to be in the marketplace I needed to be there. I rarely touch twitter but it’s there, I have even adopted tap and go payments on my card – not my phone!

So is technology actually doing us good?

I sometimes succumb and use the self-serve checkout, which means I forego the human contact. For me that’s not going to have too big of an impact because I meet and speak with people every day as part of my job and my social life. If however I was living alone, with very few social contacts, the person at the supermarket checkout, just might be that one person I connect with today.

So is technology a one-way train that we are all on? Or, do we have the choice to decide what parts of technology are good for us and what parts are not?

Richard Watson, author of “Digital vs Human” in a recent interview with Radio National, suggests that the minds that create these technologies are largely on the Asperger’s/Autistic Spectrum, and so these developments actually suit them, and in the constant use of these technologies, we are all becoming slightly more autistic.

In his interview, Watson speaks about the way we are communicating is changing along with what we are communicating.

The growth in narcissism as well as hate can be directly related to the growth in our type of communications, being less accountable face-to-face and being more removed.

We are developing much more fragile identities, with less resilience.

We are dependent on how many ‘friends’ we have, even though we may never have met these people or had a conversation with them about what is important to them or to us, which is usually what gels friendships together.

We are dependent on the number of ‘likes’ we get when we ‘post’ something, rather than having a conversation/discussion/even an argument about liking or not liking something.

Just because a handful of people (often men in California with limited social skills if we are to believe biographies, biopics and Richard Watson) develop technology that suits them, doesn’t necessarily mean it will suit the rest of us, and actually it doesn’t.

Sadly, Watson’s book also refers to a Korean couple who let their own baby die of starvation, because they were too busy looking after their avatar baby online!

A more recent and topical example of technology changing the way we behave and how individually focused we can become, is that of the Pokemon Go craze. Our local highway signs now flash “Don’t Pokemon and Drive” – really????

As human beings we are social creatures. We need to connect on so many levels – physically, emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Connecting online does not, and cannot meet all those needs.

I like to think that we can adapt and adopt, so long as we keep reminding ourselves we do have a choice.

Je Suis Paris

By Therese Sheedy on November 16, 2015 in Mindfulness

There is not much one can say in the wake of the terrifying events in Paris. Having been to Paris, not that that is necessary in order to be affected by these events, my heart goes out to that beautiful city and to the people across France.

No matter how much I try to understand, I can’t. I can’t make sense of this as a psychologist, as a parent, as a citizen, as a human being. Human beings are designed to protect each other, to live as community, to preserve life – especially our own – that is why the fight/flight response is built in and activates naturally.

Human beings do however operate according to our underlying beliefs and these can override the fight/flight response. We will sacrifice ourselves if our values and beliefs are strong enough and threatened, such as protecting our offspring or those we love.

The power of these radical groups in continuing to recruit young people, who need ‘a cause’, or the need to belong, or have a need for someone to believe in them, is so strong that we can feel disempowered to do anything. Disempowerment breeds fear. We feel helpless and so our fear increases.

While it is difficult for us to impact in a global sense, one way we can fight back on a local, daily basis is to connect with those in our communities who are withdrawn, isolated, lost.

Never before has our need for connectedness been so obvious. A simple smile at people in your street and as you go about your day, can make others feel connected. Make eye contact with others. Eye contact says ‘you are accepted in my world’. Be kind to others, as you never know what their needs might be.

These simple actions might not feel like they are impacting worldwide, however simple acts can create a ripple effect. They can help us feel connected and safe. The way we can face terrorism in our small yet powerful way is not to feel terrorised but open and trusting with each other.

What is mothering?

By Therese Sheedy on May 9, 2015 in Mindfulness

With Mother’s Day here I am drawn to the concept of what is mothering?

My own mother passed away 13 years ago and she is still present in my life. While I miss her greatly, I savour and give thanks that she was my mother.

As I have grown I have a different relationship with my mother than I used to. When she was alive she was busy doing. Her family meant a lot to her – not everything – she had other parts of her life where she also shared her gifts of friendship, laughter, love and support. Mum dedicated herself to others – my father, our family, her local cricket club.

I often hear my mother’s voice in my head as I walk along our beach, where she would challenge me to consider what a wonderful gift nature was. How lucky we were to have such beauty around us, and how we needed to be gentle and kind to the universe. This part of mum I channel daily in my work, my gratitude and my awareness. This is in tune with my practice of mindful living.

However mindfulness has also taught me to be aware of my thinking and sometimes I find my mother’s judgments on the world seeping into my consciousness and becoming my judgments. It is in these times that I acknowledge my choice, to be just like my mother, in all ways, or to choose how I react to the world and more specifically to people and their actions in the world.

It is easy to be kind and generous of spirit to those we are ‘like’ or those we agree with. The challenge is to remain openhearted to everyone’s pain not just our own.

While my mother was a wonderful human being and a loving, caring mother, I know she wasn’t the perfect person. No one is. As a mother and now grandmother, I see the role of mothering to be broader than my immediate family and Mother Nature. I attempt to bring kindness and gentleness to my interactions with others whether I know them, like them or not.

I believe that the unconditional love of a mother is what the world needs more of. The world aches for guidance and wisdom of a mother who will teach values and keep you in line with understanding and strength.

I give thanks for my mother, not just on this special day, but everyday. I also give thanks for the opportunities to take a mothering kindness to my own family, my friends, my colleagues, my clients and my world.

I hope you can honour all the mothers in your life and the many ways you can mother in your part of the world.

The Test of 3’s

By Therese Sheedy on August 31, 2014 in Mindful Musings

How long do you hang on to hurt and harm?

A minute or two? A day or two? A year, or perhaps forever and ever?

Sometimes we don’t like to just move on. We believe that hanging on to the hurt – “they weren’t listening to me”, or the harm “why did they do that to me?”, keeps our position justified. Our hurt justified. But we don’t need to keep holding and reflecting on hurt or harm to have it justified.

If you feel it, then that’s it – it’s there, justified or not, you still feel it. Continue Reading →

Breathe in and know you are breathing

By Therese Sheedy on August 10, 2014 in Mindful Musings

One of the basic, most natural things our amazing bodies do is breathe We breathe in, we breathe out, however we pay very little attention to it.

The very first thing we do as we enter this world is breathe in, this is the beginning of an in/out cycle. A cycle that continues until our final breath out.

In The Mindful Child by Susan Kaiser Greenland, she suggests that a child’s breath is like a swinging door between their inner and outer worlds. I think this is the same for us as adults.

Our breath can be calm and measured if our surroundings are also calm. If things get a bit challenging it is our heart and our breath that will sense this before our minds compute what is happening.

If we are rushing our breath supports our body to hurry, if we are ill our breath may be laboured, if we are sleeping hopefully our breath will be slow and peaceful.

I remember as a twelve-year-old child standing in the doorway of a room where my grandmother lay in bed dying. My grandmother made it very difficult to form a close relationship with her, however my mother had been called interstate to help her siblings as their mother completed her final days and I had gone along with her.

I remember standing in that doorway, physical distance between us, but breathing every breath she breathed. Breath in, breath out. I felt that it was my breath keeping her alive. Breath in, breath out. For that time there was no thought, no fear, just breath. Breath in……………breath out……………….breath in………………………breath out. It was probably the closest I actually felt toward her in my young twelve years. It was a time I have never forgotten.

I now know that everyone breathes and everyone dies. I now know that the person I speak to today, it may be the last time I see them. I now know that I need to hold this sacred space between myself and the other person as I don’t know what will happen. I also know that knowing this changes the way I speak with people.

Jan Chozen Bays writes: Becoming aware of death opens our awareness to this single, vivid moment of life.

People can find these understandings quite depressing and try to believe that we are all going to live forever. But we aren’t. Imagine if you listened to someone like you knew it was your last conversation, how would this change your level of attention? How would it change your connection with that person, your level of impatience or anger perhaps?

An awareness of impermanence encourages us to bring our best to each and every moment. To give each moment quiet attentiveness, to become aware of its awe, its beauty purely because we are here to experience it.

Kaiser Greenland encourages us to slow down and tune into other people’s breathing to gain insights into their worlds that we might otherwise miss. In doing so we can also gain insights into our own inner world.

Breathing is at the heart of mindfulness and meditation. In fact Jon Kabat-Zinn says that the Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction program has greater success with the living than the dead! This leads him to believe that no matter what is wrong with you, if you are breathing there is more right with you than wrong with you.

Breathing is often the anchor which is used to train attention. We can choose to focus on the breath at any moment as it anchors us in the present, after all, the breath can only be here in this present moment and so by noticing it, we too, are being present.

For this week, notice your breath. Know when you are breathing in and know when you are breathing out.

Tune in to others’ breathing, especially if you are around children or the elderly. Be with them in their breath cycle for just a few moments and watch your connection with them change.

Try sighing. We often sigh without knowing this is usually because we are breathing from our chest not breathing deeply enough into our diaphragm and belly, and our bodies need that extra breath. For this week, consciously sigh, even out loud.

Sighing can break tension in the body. Take a big breath in, open the chest muscles, then let it all go out. Let go of control. Let the body drop with the breath. Then notice the pause at the end before the next breath comes in. Do two or three deep sighs in a row.

You could try to use the exhalation of the breath to let go of tension. With your eyes closed notice the out breath and focus on the body. Start at the top of the head, on the out breath notice the tension you may be holding around your temples. On the next out breath notice the tension you may be holding in the jaw. Each new breath notice on the out breath another part of the body. The temples, jaw, neck, shoulders, chest, back, arms, belly, buttocks, legs, feet. It doesn’t matter if you were or weren’t holding tension in any of these areas, just by noticing them, by tuning into them on the out breath your body will naturally relax.

You might also like to try a mantra on the out breath such as “relax” or “release”. Mantras are words or short phrases in our minds repeated on the out breath. Again the breath and the mind working together in the present creates a sense of calm and stillness.

Of course you may just like to follow the breath as it moves through the in/out cycle. Follow it without judgment on how it ‘should’ be, follow it without expectation of what you will feel later or at the time. Follow it as it brings new oxygen into your system, feeding your organs, your muscles, your brain. Follow it as it leaves your system and connects you to plants and the rest of the world.

Breathe gently and awaken to this amazing gift.

Be kind to yourself – there is only one you!

By Therese Sheedy on August 3, 2014 in Mindful Musings

What type of things do you typically judge and criticize yourself for – appearance, career, relationships, parenting – anything else ……………?

What language do you use with yourself when you notice a mistake or a flaw? Do you insult yourself, call yourself names? “How stupid I am” or “I never get things right” or “here I go again, typical.”

When you approach or run into challenges how do you respond? Do you get carried away by the drama or difficulty , making things bigger than they need to be?

Do you think everyone else is having a much better time that you are? Do you forget that everyone experiences difficulties, pain and suffering?

How does this make you feel? What are the consequences of being so hard on yourself?

Do you feel more motivated to change? Unlikely. Does it make you discouraged or depressed? Likely.

It seems that as human beings we are very good at this negative internal dialogue, however some of us do it much more than others.

Culturally we are not taught or expected to have self-compassion. We are taught to look for flaws in others, look for their shortcomings to feel better about ourselves. To reinforce our beliefs and to feel we are coping.

Compassion to others and ourselves is a major element of mindfulness. Being able to see the moment as it is, with awareness, openness and acceptance, encourages us to let go of judgments that keep us locked into viewing others and ourselves with dislike and intolerance.

Dr. Kristin Neff, the world leading researcher on self-compassion, writes that “self-compassion is an open-hearted way of relating to negative aspects of oneself and one’s experience that enables greater emotional resilience and psychological well-being” (The Encyclopedia of Positive Psychology Vol 2, p 864).

Neff has identified three essential components of self-compassion: Mindfulness – noticing instead of getting emotionally entangled; Self-kindness – treating yourself with care and understanding rather than beating yourself up with harsh criticisms; and Common humanity – realising that suffering is part of the human experience and that you are not alone and others suffer similarly.

Some people are naturally self-compassionate just as they are naturally compassionate to others. But compassion and self-compassion can be taught.

People participating in research studies have shown that by practising self-compassion they had higher levels of wellbeing and became more resilient. They were measurably happier, more capable, more curious and wiser in decision-making. They felt higher levels of social connectedness and felt greater satisfaction with life in general.

Partners rated those who practiced self-compassion as being more emotionally connected, accepting and less detached, controlling or aggressive.

Self-compassion has also been shown to decrease levels of depression and anxiety, reduce rumination, self-criticism as well as reduce a fear of failure.

It used to be thought that to make people feel better we needed to bolster their self-esteem. However, it is now known that self-esteem is often related to comparing oneself to others. We need to feel ‘better’ than others to feel good about ourself.

Self-esteem is contingent on success and it tends to falter in failure situations, making it difficult to access when we are faced with difficulties, challenges and failure. Whereas self-compassion is always accessible, and contrary to a commonly held belief, doesn’t lead to self-indulgence or self-pity.

In The Self-Compassion Diet, Jean Fain explores weight loss with a self compassionate focus. A Harvard Medical School Affiliated psychotherapist, Fain believes that more self-compassion, not self-discipline, is the answer to dieter’s prayers. She promotes mindfulness and self-compassion as a way to end the dieting merry-go-round and feel the power of self for successful weight-management.

Self-compassion is a powerful motivating force for growth and change. With self-compassion we can develop mastery of our goals, and reduce our fear of failure.

You may like to try an exercise in Self-compassion: Grab three pieces of paper. On the first piece write down the view of you from your closest. most compassionate friend. Keep writing. Write all the things they love about you, what they see, given all your flaws. The strengths they see in you. What they like about you. What you give back to them in your friendship.

On the second piece of paper write down all the things you criticise yourself about. What you hear yourself saying about you. Write down as much as you can, what it is, what you hear.

On the third piece of paper write down how you feel about that criticism you hear from yourself. What it is like to hear that about yourself.

Now, go back to your first piece of paper and imagine what that person would say if they heard those criticisms of you and saw how hurt you are. Write down what they would say. How they would explain those criticisms, how they would comfort you. What insights would they offer?

Neff suggests that when we experience warm and tender feelings toward ourselves we are altering our bodies as well as our minds. “Self-kindness allows us to feel safe as we respond to painful experiences, so that we are no longer operating from a place of fear – and once we let go of insecurity we can pursue our dreams with the confidence needed to actually achieve them” (p. 52, Self-Compassion: Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind).

The Mindfulness Challenge this week is to practice self-compassion.

Notice your self-talk. Don’t take your thoughts personally, they are only thoughts, they will come and they will go.

Notice when you are getting hooked into self-criticism, even arguing with yourself – you will never win! Just notice it and move on with whatever you are doing at the time – whether that is ironing, driving the car, waiting for a meeting or even going to the bathroom.

Notice judgment. Are you judging others to feel better about yourself and confirm your beliefs about the world? Is this necessary – no!

Notice if you are being critical about not being Mindful. If you do that you will be being critical about yourself a lot!

Who you actually are is so much more than the narrative in your head. Be open to yourself, to this moment, and see the boundless strengths you and others have to offer.

Let go of comparison, let go of the fear of not being good enough, let go of perfectionism and accept the gifts of imperfection. Celebrate the challenge of being human and celebrate your own unique qualities – there is only one of you, don’t be afraid to share it around compassionately.

Moving from Illness to Wellness

By Therese Sheedy on July 27, 2014 in Mindful Musings

In this week’s blog I thought I would look more holistically at wellbeing and see how Mindfulness is a core component of keeping us mentally well.

In 2008 the UK Foresight Challenge Report aimed to enhance the understanding of how to achieve the best possible mental health and wellbeing for people living throughout the United Kingdom. It commissioned the Centre for Wellbeing at the new economics foundation (nef) to develop a set of evidence-based actions to improve personal wellbeing.

According to nef the concept of wellbeing comprises two main elements: feeling good and functioning well.

A positive experience in life is reflected through feelings of happiness, contentment, enjoyment, curiosity and engagement.

Unfortunately, it is estimated that only 14% of people in the UK have a high level of wellbeing – often referred to as “flourishing”. The equivalent number, 14%, have low wellbeing (not including those with a diagnose mental disorder), what some would call “languishing”.

So what influences wellbeing? Evidence is reliably pointing towards what we do and the way we think. The consensus within the fields looking at wellbeing seems to be that a holistic approach to improving one’s wellbeing is important.

nef’s role was to develop a set of actions that enhance wellbeing, however positive psychology research has indicated we quickly adapt to repeated activities. Therefore it seems that variety really is the spice of life as it keeps us fresh and interested, and more likely to continue to achieve success.

Acknowledging that different approaches suit different people, nef developed five actions that can be varied according to age, lifestyle and culture.

Those five areas are now known as the 5 Ways to Wellbeing, encouraging us daily to explore how we connect, be active, take notice, learn and give.

Connect – social relationships are critical to wellbeing. Social participation is the biggest factor between those with and those without mental health.

Happy people have stronger social relationships than less happy people. Life goals associated to a commitment to family, friends, social and political involvement promotes satisfaction with life whereas life goals associated with career success and material gains are seen to be detrimental to life satisfaction.

To Connect you can build connections with those around you; smile; make eye contact; greet others; share; enjoy – basically invest in personal relationships.

Be Active – physical activity is related to a greater sense of wellbeing, lower rates of depression and anxiety across all age groups.

Research is exploring the types of activity which is most beneficial, however it has already identified that physical activity increases perceived self-efficacy, sense of mastery and the perceived ability to cope. Action is central to cognition.

Even small changes in activity levels of people who are sedentary and the elderly has shown to enhance wellbeing.

You can improve your activity simply by stepping outside more; moving; doing whatever energises you to continue to move.

Take Notice – this areas is an emerging field. Increased sensory awareness has been shown to decrease stress and improve overall wellbeing.

Research supports that the practice of Mindfulness predicts positive mental states, self-regulated behaviour and heightened self-knowledge – all contributors to emotional intelligence.

Self Determination theory suggests that an open awareness is particularly valuable for choosing behaviours that are consistent with one’s needs, values and interests.

When we are aware and taking notice we are able to in turn savor moments that reinforce our life priorities.

You can Take Notice by encouraging your own curiosity; noticing beauty and the unusual; notice the changing seasons; savoring the moment; becoming aware of the world around you at any moment of the day.

Keep Learning – learning is an important role in our social and cognitive development.

Life-long learning enhances self-esteem, encourages social interaction and a more active life. It has also been linked to lifting depression in older adults.

Wellbeing is enhanced when goals are self-generated, approach goals and are congruent with personal values. Formal and informal learning are highly desirable .

To Keep Learning you could try something new, rediscover an old interest; sign up for a course; take on a different responsibility at work; fix something around the house; learn to play an instrument; cook something new; set challenges you will enjoy; learn things that will make you more confident.

Give – neuroscience is contributing greatly to how we understand the impact of giving on wellbeing.

Wellbeing is considered to be greatly enhanced when an individual is able to achieve a sense of purpose in society, and contributes to their wider community.

Helping, sharing, giving and team-oriented behaviours are likely to be connected with increases in self-worth and positive feelings.

Offering support to others has been linked with reduced mortality rates.

What the research is saying – individuals who report a greater interest in helping others are more likely to rate themselves as happy.

It seems that to improve our own wellbeing we need to be outwardly focussed not inward. We need to look to improve the life of others and in doing so we improve our own.

To Give you could do something nice for a friend or a stranger; thank someone; smile; volunteer your time; join a community or sporting group; perform Random Acts of Kindness often; look outward and see your happiness linked to the wider community; seek reward through giving rather than receiving.

So now you have 5 Ways to Wellbeing. If you like apps you can download the 5 Ways to Wellbeing app, set goals and keep track of your wellbeing in the five action areas.

Remember that you can only achieve wellbeing through you actions in the present, this will set up how you view and act in the future.

Give the 5 Ways to Wellbeing a go and let me know how you go.

The Sounds of Silence

By Therese Sheedy on March 24, 2014 in Mindful Musings

How often do you misunderstand something someone has said?
Perhaps you have witnessed someone cutting off a conversation by not letting someone else complete what they were saying? Perhaps you have done that yourself, eager to get your point across rather than listen to the other person finish?

Feeling you are not being heard can be isolating and hurtful in a relationship.

Quite often we can be doing something, like working on our computer or iPad or mobile phone, and think we can also be listening to someone talking to us.

All of our devices that supposedly connect us to the wider world can actually get in the way of us connecting with those around us. Each device brings new sounds for us to attune to and thereby tune out the world we actually live in.

We can be so busy with sound that we can lose our sense and relationship with silence.

We can miss the sounds that actually create and inhabit our world.

Recently I was sitting in a park with a client and we did a Soundscape Meditation. The park was situated close to a busy road which linked the suburbs to the city. There were children playing, birds twittering, planes overhead and trucks and cars moving along the road.

By closing our eyes and just listening, without judgment, just experiencing the many sounds that made up our environment, it created a whole new appreciation for the amazing way our community connects and operates. A connection that we are a part of.

If we don’t experience silence from our own minds as well as our created environment we actually reduce our own brain’s ability to be creative, as the height of brain activity occurs during the tiny pauses in between sounds. But we need to have those pauses.

Children are often brought up in a world full of noise. The sound of television creates a type of ‘white noise’ in the background and some research has shown that this can impact on how children identify sounds. This can affect children’s ability to listen and they can actually have delayed or impaired speech. When they are surrounded by sound all the time, they don’t attune to the voice of their caregivers, this means they don’t learn how to form the sounds of speech because the sounds are all blending into one.

This week’s Mindfulness Challenge has multiple layers.

Find times where you can be without language. Don’t talk, don’t sing, don’t listen to music, don’t read, don’t watch TV or film, enjoy the silence and the space in your mind. It doesn’t need to be for a long time; start with two minutes and work your way up.

Find a time during the day where you listen to your environment. If you can, find a spot where you won’t be interrupted, listen to the sounds of the present moment, without judging them to be either pleasant or unpleasant, wanted or unwanted.

I find I can tune in and hear nature when I least expect it. Perhaps you can immediately hear mechanical sounds like cars, trains, trucks or clocks, and then if you listen more closely, you can hear other sounds like animals, or children or adults.

Listen with your eyes closed and your mind open. Open up to noticing the connections in this amazing world. Notice the spaces in between sounds, the changes of sounds and sounds within sounds, layers upon layers.

When we are tired, stressed, angry, we tend to label sounds as noise and we can become agitated by persistent sounds. Sounds are just sounds, no value, they just are. They are here because we live in this world at this time.

Open your hearing by closing off language, your heart and your brain will welcome the change. Tune into the sounds of silence.

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